jay and i arent together anymore. i have met someone new, his name is Kenny, and i really like him, and he really likes me. i cant wait till friday we are supose to hang out, i cant wait. i cant describe the way i feel when i see him, it so wierd. i knwo i just got out of a relationship, but i donno, kenny is awsome.

in other news, i havent talked to malia in a while, i hope shes ok. she hasent returned any of my phone calls, i donno she has a lot of shit goin on so i'll just have to give her space, when she wants to talk she knows tha ti'm here for her, at least i hope she knows that.

paul is getting on my nerves, i cant take it anymore, has poured his heart out to me, and now things are wierd, i mean he is my friend, but i cant talk to him anymore. i donno it will pass, i love being his friend, but i cant be his friend the way he wants if i start to date kenny, or anyone else for that matter.

well i'm out

peace 

as much as i hate when i get a forward in my email i got the cutest on today, it said.....

>>A girl  asked a boy if he thought she was pretty. He  said no.  She 
asked him if he would want to be with her forever -- and he said no.
 She then  asked him if he would cry if she were to leave, and, once again, he replied no. She had  heard enough. As she walked away, tears were streaming down her face.
 The boy  grabbed her arm and said,
"You're  not pretty. You're beautiful. I don't  want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever! And I  wouldn't cry if you walked away. I'd die."<

i wish someone would feel that way about me, or if they do i wish they would tell me, i have the shittiest luck with guys, eather i am in love with them, and they dont feel the same. Or they are in love with me and i dont feel the same. i sux balls. awwwell what are ya gonna do.

peace

so things arent goin as well as i thought they would be with jay and I. I dont know what to do there are so many things that are awsome about our relationship, but i think at the same time there are so many things wrong with it. for example, my mom hates him, she doesnt have a real reason why, but she does, and i kinda feel like i need to hide this relationship from other people, ya know incase my mother found out. i hate living in a lie. now if matt and i were still together than i wouldnt have to go throuhg this. and i wish that he would even just call me, so say hi, and i could explain to him that the whole thing with his brother was a mistake. but he woudl never believe me, and its not like it matters anyway, cuz he hates me. i donno. i jsut dont know anymore. i have no idea what to do anymore. i dont want to go to prom cuz i know that i have no one to go with, which sux ass. and its not like anyone in this school likes me that i like too, that i could go with, all the  guys i do like eather dont know i exist or dont give a shit that i even have a heart or a brain. w.e i'm out, once again i'm bitchin about things that cant be solved,

peace

so heres the scoop. i called jay on saturday. and i appologized to him about everything and he took me back, can u believe it? i love it. mike never took me out friday and he never took me out saturday. i told myself that jay would never do that to me. so i called him. said i was sorry, and i have come to a realization that i really do love him, and he is everything i want and need in my life right now. and now i can never see him, my ma has grounded me. because of my report card, and she hates him and doesnt want me to see him ever again. but we'll see about that, come october when i turn 18 i'm out, NH baby, and i will never come back, ok maybe i will but i wont be back to see her only my lil brother. he is everything. i love that little boy. i cant miss him growing up. well aside from that i didnt get to see jay yesterday for valentines day, because my ma is a stupid cunt-bag and she is out to ruin my life. ok so i wont go that far, but i really do think she is out to make me somthing i'm not. my brother matt is trying to talk to me into goin in the Air Force, but i donno, i know that was his way out and away from ma, but i'm not him. i donno. i just want to see jay and have my life back, i mean i'm sure if i bring my grades up i will be able to have my life back, and maybe see him,  but i will have to lie to her. and i'm sick of lieing, i really am becoming my father. pathalogical lier. i hate myself for it. she doesnt trust me, i think she thinks i sleep with all my guy friends, and that is just dicusting. i donno what to do to make her not mad at me,.i dont even know what i did to make her mad at me. w/e. when ifigure it out i'll let ya know.

peace

ps I LOVE YOU JASON WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PAIN, AND HEAL MY BLEEDING WOUNDS!

i'm at school, in mrs. crowleys class, fun fun. so i went to mikey's house last night. malia was there and john and davis my 3 favorite people. the only people who can except my decision. i have come to the conclusion that i dont give a fuck what people say or think of me. if they dont like it then FUCK OFF!! mike said he might take me out tonight when i get out of work. i hope he does, then maybe we can have a chance to talk, like accually talk, ya know about how he feels about me, and how i feel about him. or maybe i should just keep my mouth shut and not get my hopes up, i should just lets things take its course. but i dont want to. i'm the type of person that i need to know whats goin on, otherwise i go crazy or worry. i donno i should just take eveyday as it comes, and not worry about anything. i do want to know how he feels about hte situation. i mean i do like him, but i did date his brother, and i want to know how he feels about it. i donno i am done babbling.

peace